families

The Message in the Bottle with Stephanie McAuliffe

In This Episode…

  • Breaking free of the shame and secrecy associated with living with an alcoholic. 
  • Understanding the “why” behind some of what we do
  • Finding forgiveness for ourselves and others.

Ways to Listen to this Episode:

  1. Use the player above to listen/download the episode from this page
  2. Listen on Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, Google Play Music or Stitcher Radio (don't forget to rate, review and subscribe!)

 

Key Points

   

  • The disease of alcoholism often runs in families and the effect can devastate multiple generations. When we don’t talk about what’s going on, we internalize the energy and it makes us sick. 
  • We spend the majority of our time and energy focused on the drinker and we often lose ourselves.
  • Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement.
  • Find forgiveness for others doesn't mean that we are condoning what happened and reconciling.
  • Understanding why people did what they did may help you let go of the judgment you have felt about what they did. This will help free you from that negative energy.

 

What You Can Do

   

Girls and women need to be able to talk about the issues they face. There are things we do that our mothers and grandmothers did, and we don't know why, but it's ingrained in us. So it takes a conscious effort to change.
 
Even if the other person doesn't change, we can learn how to change how we react to them.
 

Do not continue to talk about people who have done you wrong in a critical way, because it keeps you in that negative energy you lived with when you were around them.
 
Have empathy for those who are struggling with something.
 

Connect with My Guest

Stephanie McAuliffe, Author, Coach

Links and Resources

Get your free copy of Stephanie's book, The Message in the Bottle: Finding Hope and Peace Amidst the Chaos of Living with an Alcoholic.

 

Ask and Share!

Ask questions and share your feedback:

  1. Comment on the show notes (below this post)
  2. Tweet me @DareeAllen quoting #KickinitwithDaree
  3. Email Kickinit [at] DareeAllen [dot] com

KIWD Patreon Page

  Clicking on the graphic above will take you to my Patreon page, where you can commit to be a sponsor of this show in varying amounts. You can opt to donate one-time production credits to support this podcast using the link below. These one-time credits do not expire, and are an optimal way to support the post production of podcasts you enjoy… like mine! – Donate for Podcast Production Credits

 

Exclusive Podcast Content!

Get special clips just for my loyal listeners, and learn how to create your own podcast with my free checklist!

Sign Up for Exclusive Podcast Content

Building Up Boys and Men of Color with Brandon Frame

In This Episode…

  • Supporting Black boys in our community
  • How women can help build men up

Ways to Listen to this Episode:

  1. Use the player above to listen/download the episode from this page
  2. Listen on Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, Google Play Music or Stitcher Radio (don’t forget to rate, review and subscribe!)

 

Key Points

The Black Man Can, Inc. is an oasis of resources for both African American and global communities. In just 7 years the organization has gained an international following and endeavors to change and promote a positive narrative of black lives. Comprised of a network of over 200 MENtors to uplift, educate, and inspire young men of color, they have impacted 3,500 young men and counting.

Mental health is important. If you want to support your man, know that it’s ok to pray and see a therapist at the same time.

 

What You Can Do

Encourage the man in your life. Let him know that he doesn’t have to be perfect; he just has to commit to getting better, and become consistent.
Encourage the good, no matter how small. Two big things that drive men are ego and pride. Think of how you can best address a man that allows his ego and pride to operate from a place of love, and not from selfishness. 
Be sure that you are not neglecting roles in your family structure.  For example, if you’re a good mother and attentive to your children, don’t forget to be a good wife, and be attentive to your husband, too. You don’t want to neglect your partner for the sake of your children or vice versa.
Communication works when you are able to vulnerable and comfortable enough to let your partner know what you need from them.

 

Connect with My Guest

Brandon Frame, Founder and CVO at The Black Man Can Institute, Social Innovator
Website
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram

Links and Resources

Help The Black Man Can Institute reach their fundraising goal: 5,000 donations of $25, which will give 5,000 boys access to their mentoring programs.   Note: 100% of the proceeds go directly into funding their programs and initiatives.    
 


Ask and Share!

Ask questions and share your feedback:

  1. Comment on the show notes (below this post)
  2. Tweet me @DareeAllen quoting #KickinitwithDaree
  3. Email Kickinit [at] DareeAllen [dot] com

KIWD Patreon Page

Clicking on the graphic above will take you to my Patreon page, where you can commit to be a sponsor of this show in varying amounts.

You can opt to donate one-time production credits to support this podcast using the link below. These one-time credits do not expire, and are an optimal way to support the post production of podcasts you enjoy… like mine! – Donate for Podcast Production Credits

Exclusive Podcast Content!

Get special clips just for my loyal listeners, and learn how to create your own podcast with my free checklist!

Sign Up for Exclusive Podcast Content

What Women REALLY Need to Know About Loving Men and Raising Boys with Dr. Joe Martin

 


In This Episode…

  • Real Men Connect (2:45)
  • Dr. Joe's story and definition of a real man vs. a male (5:45)
  • Why males fail to mature and the challenges they face (12:14)
  • What it takes to be real man (18:48)
  • What women really need to know about the men they're in relationships with (26:25)
  • What single moms should do when they are raising boys (36:57)

Ways to Listen to this Episode:

  1. Use the player above to listen/download the episode from this page
  2. Listen on Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, Google Play Music or Stitcher Radio (don't forget to rate, review and subscribe!)

 

Key Points

   

When a male is born, it's only when they have the tools to succeed in life can they be called real men.
 
"No good man can become a great man without the help of a GODLY man." – Dr. Joe Martin
 
One of the biggest challenges males face is that they don't know what we're doing. They are ignorant because they don't know what they don't know!  It's assumed they should know how to love women, meet their needs, to take care of our families and lead them, but if they don't have the blueprint, then they make up things as we go along.
 
Where and from whom a man gets advice and encouragement is more important than his good looks, his income, or educational accomplishments.
 
Another issue is pride; males don't know how to ask a man for help.  Then there's apathy– when males get so frustrated that they give up and say "I don't care anymore."
 
Males also have a lack of commitment. They will start something and not finish it.
 
Males struggle with priority
 
A real man:
  • Leads his family spiritually.
  • Loves and serves others sacrificially.
  • Leaves a legacy of faith for future generations.
  • Teach other men how to do all of the above.
 
**A woman can encourage a man, but only a man can affirm another man.
 
Things women need to know about the men they love:
  • Their self-worth and identity comes from their ability to provide for you. If they can't, they will act out.
  • They need to know and believe that they can satisfy and make you happy in all areas, not just sexually. He needs to know that he's good enough for you. If he doesn't feel that he's pleasing you, he is susceptible to wandering elsewhere to someone who boosts his ego–even she is not as attractive as you.
  • They need to know that they can be vulnerable around you without seeming weak, and without you losing respect for him. A woman can a safe place for him to fall, because his pride and ego say that to another man he might seem weak to share his feelings. 
  • A man is only as strong as the stronger men he has in his life.  You can't count on a man who doesn't have accountability.  Make sure you meet the men he is accountable to, so you know who is influencing him.  If he doesn't have accountability from a strong man, don't compromise–he is not ready for you.

 

What You Can Do

   

When you're dating a man, you should ask yourself where he got his values from, and who he is listening to and learning from. Did he have a strong father or father figure in his life to mentor him? Who does he talk to when he needs advice or encouragement?  
 
Never say to a man, "Be a man," "act like a man," or man up," because that will emasculate him.
 
If you are the single mother with a son, recruit a man for your son to be his mentor from your community– it could be in your neighborhood or in your church for example.  Observe men as they are with their families, and observe how his children and wife respond to him.  Do his children respect him? Does his wife treat him with love and care? If so, he might be a candidate. He can fake success at work if he wants to, but he can't fake success with his own family.
 
Ladies, have good expectations of men. If you give him a crown, he'll act like a king.  If he sees what he can be, then he'll live up to what he should be.
 
Gentlemen, if you want to become a good man, then humble yourself and ask for help. It's not your fault if you weren't taught, but once you know better, you should do better.

Connect with My Guest

Joe Martin, Ed.D. Founder & Creator, Real Men Connect

Links and Resources

 
Are you spiritually STUCK, TIRED, or FRUSTRATED? 

Ask and Share!

Ask questions and share your feedback:

  1. Comment on the show notes (below this post)
  2. Tweet me @DareeAllen quoting #KickinitwithDaree
  3. Email Kickinit [at] DareeAllen [dot] com

KIWD Patreon Page

Clicking on the graphic above will take you to my Patreon page, where you can commit to be a sponsor of this show in varying amounts. You can opt to donate one-time production credits to support this podcast using the link below. These one-time credits do not expire, and are an optimal way to support the post production of podcasts you enjoy… like mine! – Donate for Podcast Production Credits

 

Exclusive Podcast Content!

Get special clips just for my loyal listeners, and learn how to create your own podcast with my free checklist!

Sign Up for Exclusive Podcast Content

This is Where You Belong: Finding Home Wherever You Are with Melody Warnick


In This Episode…

  • Place attachment (3:40 and 12:50)
  • There is no geographic cure (4:58)
  • Being rooted, feeling stuck, or being mobile (10:56)
  • Why Americans are less neighborly these days, and how to change that (14:45)
  • How the ‘1-Mile Solution’” can help you get connected in your community (24:30)
  • The top 3 factors that are most influential in creating place attachment (27:55)

 

Ways to Listen to this Episode:

  1. Use the player above to listen/download the episode from this page
  2. Listen on Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, Google Play Music or Stitcher Radio (don't forget to rate, review and subscribe!)

 

Key Points

   

People with place attachment, have friends, know their neighbors, and volunteer are happier and feel more rooted in their communities. They also tend to live longer.
 
Americans are not as neighborly as they were in decades past. Almost a third of Americans don’t know any of their neighbors by name, and yet many studies show the value of neighborhood relationships, including the fact that when you are friends with your neighbors, you’re 67 percent less likely to have a heart attack and 48 percent less likely to have a stroke. 
 
According to the Knight Soul of the Community study, the three factors that are most influential in creating place attachment are social offerings, aesthetics, and openness (friendly, welcoming and inclusive).   The higher the level of place attachment in a town, the better the town's economy.  This is how our towns can tell if we love them!

 

What You Can Do

To meet your neighbors, you don't have to bring over dessert if that's not your thing. You can just do things in the front of your home that will allow you to be seen and accessible to have interactions with them.
 
Try the ‘1-Mile Solution’” by replacing one car trip per week with a biking or walking errand instead, and you will see so many things that you normally don't observe when driving or riding in a car. It can help connect you to the area where you live or work. 

Connect with My Guest

Melody Warnick,  Author, Speaker

Website

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram  

Links and Resources

The paperback version of the book launches on the 4th of July!
 
 
Sep 28 – National Good Neighbor Day http://neighborhoodday.org/

Ask and Share!

Ask questions and share your feedback:

  1. Comment on the show notes (below this post)
  2. Tweet me @DareeAllen quoting #KickinitwithDaree
  3. Email Kickinit [at] DareeAllen [dot] com

KIWD Patreon Page

  Clicking on the graphic above will take you to my Patreon page, where you can commit to be a sponsor of this show in varying amounts. You can opt to donate one-time production credits to support this podcast using the link below. These one-time credits do not expire, and are an optimal way to support the post production of podcasts you enjoy… like mine! – Donate for Podcast Production Credits

Exclusive Podcast Content!

Get special clips just for my loyal listeners, and learn how to create your own podcast with my free checklist!

Sign Up for Exclusive Podcast Content

Like Mother, Love Daughter: How Your Child Mirrors Your Parenting Style with Shelli Chosak

parentingstyles_ig

In This Episode…

 

Ways to Listen to this Episode:

  1. Use the player above to listen/download the episode from this page
  2. Listen on iTunes, iHeartRadio, Google Play Music or Stitcher Radio (don’t forget to rate, review and subscribe!)

 

Key Points

We use our upbringing as a big part of our role model (or anti-role model) for how to parent. Factors that go into the parenting style that we use by default include our early life experiences, our own observations of our parents that we do and don’t like, imitating others’ parents, our teachers and spiritual leaders that we admire.

Introversion is not the same thing as shyness. Introverts get their energy from inward sources and get exhausted from being around others for long periods and need peace and quiet to recharge, whereas shyness is related to lack of skills/confidence when in social situations. Extroverts get their energy from being around others. Ambiverts are equally intro- and extroverted.

Some children will grow to be more intro- or extroverted based on the other personality types in their household. Second- and third-born children may be different to distinguish themselves from their older siblings, and not necessarily based on their inborn temperament.

When we become parents, we understand the great responsibility that we have, and along with that often comes a subconscious sense of a need for control of our surroundings. But the real sense of control is SELF-CONTROL– a control of what’s going on inside of you, not so much control of others or circumstances.

“Your child’s feelings are real and true for them–it doesn’t matter if you agree with them or not. The more you listen to them and acknowledge that their feelings are valid, the better your relationship will be… and you’re also building a successful adult.” – Dr. Shelli Chosak

What You Can Do

It’s easy for people to notice and focus on what others (in this case their children) are doing and overlook their own behavior. But looking at yourself and how your actions may have contributed to a situation gives you the opportunity to become the kind of parent you want to be.

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is a book by Daniel Goleman. In it, he encourages paying attention to what you’re feeling before you make a “knee-jerk” reaction.

One way to use EQ: when your child tells you she has been mistreated by someone, instead of reacting to the situation, practice thinking through a feeling before acting on it, and then you can teach your kids to do the same.

When you ask your child how they feel, and they’re being honest with you, think about it yourself and see what truth is there.

We must also not get caught up in wanting our child to be just like us in order to fulfill our need for validation. Treating her as an individual will promote a strong relationship where the child feels valued, respected and heard.

 

Connect with My Guest

Shelli Chosak, Psychotherapist and Author
Website

 

 

Links and Resources

 

Exclusive Podcast Content!

Sign Up for Exclusive Podcast Content

Stop Helping Everyone!

StopHelpingEveryone_IG

In This Episode…

Daree reads an article that reminds us of how we can decrease overwhelm by setting boundaries and eliminating the guilt others  try to place on us.

Ways to Listen to this Episode:

  1. Use the player above to listen/download the episode from this page
  2. Listen on iTunes or Stitcher Radio (don't forget to rate, review and subscribe!)

 

Key Points

 

Sometimes what some people call "giving" or "helping" is really "enabling" and it drains you.  And if you give too much of yourself to everyone else, what do you have left?  We have to learn how to minimize or let go of those toxic relationships, because they will kill your spirit if you let them. I talked about this at length in my show with Samantha Gregory, No More Crumbs


For those of you who find yourself on 30 different committees, you need to re-assess why you have so many commitments and which ones are truly necessary.  I talked about this more with Jonathan Wesley in the episode What is Your Calling?
 


 

 

What You Can Do

Assess which commitments you can let go of or pull back from. What's the worst thing that can happen if you set some boundaries and affirm yourself to decline some things presented to you? You can always say, "No, I won't be able to do that" and let that be the end of it–you don't have to give any further explanation.  As Latasha Matthews said in the Get Out of the Dump episode, No is a complete sentence. And if a person does not choose to get with the program and respect your boundaries, let them go. You want to weed out the folks that try to pull you down.


Trying to help everyone will just exhaust you and cause resentment. So strengthen your backbone and your self-esteem, and learn how to just say no!

 

 

 

Links and Resources

 

Stop Helping Everyone! by Christy Wright

 

Why Don’t You Just Listen?!

JustListentoMe_IGIn This Episode…

  • The reasons it's so hard to listen to others, and how we can get better at it
  • Hacks to improve focus when it comes to communicating with friends and loved ones
  • 6 ways to help others listen to YOU

 

Ways to Listen to this Episode:

  1. Use the player above to listen/download the episode from this page
  2. Listen on iTunes or Stitcher Radio (don't forget to rate, review and subscribe!)

 

Key Points

We lead busy lives and our attention spans are shorter than ever, which makes mindful, active listening a real challenge–and all the more essential to our interpersonal relationships.  Distractions are everywhere, but you can train your mind to focus on listening when it wants to wander and wonder about other things.


 

 

What You Can Do

  • Put away your electronic devices when you are in a deep conversation or other social situations.
  • Consider the setting before you delve into deep topics.
  • Let others know whether you just want to vent, or are looking for help/advice.
  • Avoid the temptation to give a monologue or repeat the same point over and over.


 

 

 

Links and Resources

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!, by Marisa Cohen. Real Simple magazine (November 2014), pp. 177-182.

Overcoming the Beast of Multitasking 
(free 15-minute audio)
 


 

 

Let’s Get “Un-Busy”!

Let's Get Unbusy IG

In This Episode…

  • Evaluating why you are always so busy
  • What being “busy” really means
  • How to take back your time and get back to doing the things you enjoy

 

Ways to Listen to this Episode:

  1. Use the player above to listen/download the episode from this page
  2. Listen on iTunes or Stitcher Radio (don't forget to rate, review and subscribe!)

 

Key Points

We all have 10,080 minutes in a week. But when it comes to time, one thing is for sure—when it’s gone, you can’t get it back. In our fast-paced culture, we always try to multi-task to get everything done—even those things we don’t want to do and have overcommitted for ourselves. However, the biggest temptation is to confuse activity with accomplishment.

 

You could also be GIVING yourself things to do on purpose as a way of procrastination. Could you be making yourself busy so that you don’t have to face the music? Maybe you are putting off dealing with your feelings about a situation or making a decision.

 

Too many people are busy making a living and forget to make a life. Some of the extra responsibilities or electives we take on in life can be the very “things” that rob us from or crowd out the most important things in life; our relationships with our family, hobbies and other things that bring us real joy.

 

 

What You Can Do

Don’t be afraid to be unavailable.

Delegate it, delay it, delete it or do it. (If you’re going to delay it, put it on a schedule.)

Listen to that still, small voice. Are you trying to numb a negative feeling or a tough decision? It won’t go away no matter how long you delay it.

 

Links and Resources

Break Your Busyness Habit by Valorie Burton. Essence magazine (September 2015), p. 168.

Information Overload – Overcoming the Beast of Multitasking  (free 15-minute audio)

 

 

Looking Good From the Inside Out with Catherine Storing

specialty-shapes-2.75inx1.10in-v-round-front

In This Episode…

  • What to do when you feel like (or are told that) who you are is not good enough
  • Why you should pay attention to what you look like on the inside, not just on the outside
  • How having the right attitude and living in your purpose will help improve your status (not comparing your status to someone else’s)
  • Where your confidence comes from, and the difference between confidence and bragging/boasting

Ways to Listen to this Episode:

  1. Use the player above to listen/download the episode from this page
  2. Listen on iTunes or Stitcher Radio (don’t forget to rate, review and subscribe!)

 

Key Points

We sometimes look at a person’s outward appearance and assume that she doesn’t have any problems—or at least not like mine.

NEW-Catherine-Green-DressIt’s important that you look good on the inside, not just the outside. Are you concentrating on your outward appearance at the expense of your inner woman (your emotions, your hurts, your unresolved issues)? Are your interactions with others positive and pleasant? Is your self-esteem high or low? If you don’t take care of your inward issues, your style of dress doesn’t matter. If your inner woman is whole, then there’s a light inside that shines outward and others can see it regardless of your physical appearance (pretty, ugly, etc.)

There may always be someone who makes a comment or is critical regardless of your size or features—but it the only opinion that matters is the one that YOU believe. You may not even realize that there is someone who wishes she had your features.

You may not like the way your arms or legs look, but if you have your body parts and they work, that’s a blessing!

 

What You Can Do

The things you can do really well—your talents and gifts—are often easy to dismiss, take for granted, or discount as being not that big of a deal. But you can use your talents to help and bless others. The experiences you lived through give you the sensitivity to recognize it in others.

When you’re doing what you love, and in line with your life’s purpose, you radiate and look healthier. Your skin is nicer, and you may get mistaken for being younger than you are. 🙂

Telling others about your expertise is confidence—it’s not being cocky, and it’s not bragging (in a negative sense). Do you want the gig? Then you must not shy away from how good you are!

If you are looking at someone who is more experienced than you in your field or industry, and comparing yourself in a self-defeating way, you have stunted your own progress. Instead, think of ways to emulate certain ideas, tips or techniques about that person that you admire. You can even ask them how they do it. It’s a high compliment when you ask for their techniques.

Don’t be intimidated by others’ success. The people that are meant for you to serve are for YOU. Only YOU can get through to them, even if others are doing similar work.

Be available. Don’t say that you can’t. If you want to write, then write. If you want to style people, then style people. If you want to speak, then start speaking. If you want to coach, then coach. To become good at something, you must do it over and over until it becomes second nature to you.

Dress to impress, and impress yourself first. First impressions matter, and you’ve only got about 10 seconds to make that first impression. If you’re good at what you do, but you don’t dress to impress, it kills your credibility before you open your mouth.

Dress the part until you FEEL the part.

 

Connect with My Guest

Catherine Storing, Fashion Stylist, Speaker, Style Coach, Author, Faithpreneur
The Style & Tools for Your New Season Program launches on October 15, 2015!
Website
Instagram
Facebook
Twitter

Links and Resources

Parliamentary report: Reflections on Body Image

Styling Faith: The Complete Style by Catherine Storing

Maybe Baby Part 2: What to Do When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned

 

Childless-Pt2-YTIn This Episode…

• How to respond to questions about your family planning/number of children
• How to cope and grieve when you’ve lost your child (insensitive comments, if you still look pregnant, etc.)
• How to manage others’ expectations—and your own

In this episode, I interview Justine Froelker, Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator, and author of Ever Upward as she talks about her journey with childful living.

Ways to Listen to this Episode:

  1. Use the player to listen/download the episode from this page (see Links and Resources below)
  2. Listen on iTunes or Stitcher (don’t forget to rate, review and subscribe!)

 

Key Points

We will not get empathy or understanding from others who ask about our childlessness unless we speak our truth and educate people.  Don’t shy away from the question, “Do you have kids?” Be able to answer honestly and authentically, without shame or embarrassment.

Suggesting that someone adopts a child is insensitive. Sadness makes people uncomfortable, and sometimes they jump to sympathy instead of vulnerability.  They want to fix the problem, e.g., “You should adopt,” instead of honoring where that person is in their life and their choices. The quick fix feels like it invalidates their losses and their journey.  It also minimizes the difficulties of the adoption journey by making it sound easy.

When you feel sorry for someone, you just make them feel more alone than they already feel.

People don’t like to feel vulnerable, because it makes us uncomfortable…
but when we’re uncomfortable, that’s when we’re learning and growing the most.
– Justine Brooks Froelker

 

What You Can Do

Check intentions and expectations when you ask someone about their plans to make a family.  Making a family is not easy.  When you ask the question, are you just curious, or do you really care about THEM?

Make room for the light. Realize that there is no set timeline for your dreams.

There is no particular way that grief should look—your grief may not look like anyone else’s.

Give yourself permission to grieve.  Choose your perspective.  Don’t keep a victim mentality.

We choose whether or not we change our lives.  We choose how we respond to what happens to us.  We can choose forgiveness, and we can choose to move forward and rise ever upward.

Ask yourself: “How can I choose to be better than okay?”  You can write. You can work out. You can seek help. We are wired for connection. You cannot overcome a loss by yourself.

 

 

Connect With My Guest

Justine Brooks Froelker, Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator, and author of Ever Upward
Blog
Website
Twitter
Instagram
Facebook (Coaching)
Facebook (Book)

Links and Resources

(Note: This section contains affiliate links. Using these links helps offset costs incurred to produce this show. Thank you for supporting Kickin’ It with Daree!)

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown

Ever Upward: Overcoming the Lifelong Losses of Infertility to Define Your Own Happy Ending by Justine Brooks Froelker

Resident Mom Shares: Costs of IVF by Alaina Burran

What to Do When Your Life Doesn’t Go as Planned by Stephanie Poe

Marriage. Kids. They’re Not for Everybody. Really. by Eleanore S. Wells